Crank

Well, as I sat down to my computer today I realized that there was much caffeine inside of me, like the feeling of happiness that surrounds a child on his birthday. I realize also that I made this child a boy, when it would have served the same purpose to make this child a female. I am sorry to all of you females that read this that I did not make the birthday child a female. I know it must add to your sorrow of the current modern world in how the society downplays your roles to that of a mere accessory. I assure you that I do not feel this way. It is simply the result of my existence in this society that I would place the masculinity into an unknown persona, for that is how many languages do it. I understand that this may not be an acceptable excuse, but it is all I have. So yeah, as I was saying. The caffeine is like a birthday. But I don't need presents, for the caffeine is its own present. I love it at this moment, but I know that soon, I will feel nearly sick. It will take its toll on my metabolism by using all my energy in a fashion which is non-productive. I will need to eat. I will need to sit down. But I am already sitting. This is my paradox. It is like I went to the bathroom but found no toilet, so I wander, without direction, into a bar. The barkeep says that they got no bathrooms unless I am thirsty as well. I wander back out.

David says that caffeine is best with a cigarette. Too bad I don't smoke, and I think smoking is a waste of money and a waste of life. My alveoli would never forgive me if I began to smoke. But would this relieve my need of a bathroom? Once again I have no answer. Please forgive me, harsh world, for I am but a simple organism. Organisms will never know all, but can only strive for more. This is the way of life and living, and this is the way of death and dying. For the more we know, the closer we come to death, and the more meaningful our lives become. One day I will know all that I can, and hopefully that instead of beginning a downhill trek on that day, I die at the top. One of the biggest fears in life is its gradual decline, I think. I would rather death be quick and catch me off guard. But also I hope that I would be at peace. This is is my quagmire. To fulfill my own wish is to expect death. But in that situation it cannot be a surprise. Is this the way everyone feels? Of course I cannot say, for I am one boy in a land of many people of both genders equally. And this does not sadden me, for I know that I am me, and they will be themselves for many years to come. Unless something happens where all those years cease, and we are sucked into a black hole of no happiness or life or death or sadness, only a singularity in which we are one.

Coffee and cigarettes indeed.